He jumped out of the pool, wet droplets falling from his tall frame, and came straight to me.
"I got first place, I think."
I didn't respond as one might think. In fact, I had to take a deep breathe and talk myself down from the frustration that had built in the few seconds I watched him swim against other kids. Ignoring what he said, I looked straight in his eyes and said "What was that? You looked like you didn't even try."
He crunched his eyebrows and squinted into the sun, turned and said in the man/boy tone I've come to realize belongs to my oldest child, and said "I can't believe you're mad that I won!" I couldn't hide my anger any longer as I sternly said back "I don't care about you winning, I care about you trying your hardest every single time. That was NOT you trying your hardest!" He promptly turned around and went straight to his friends and told them how ridiculous I am. I saw the group turn and stare me down, disbelief in their eyes.
Apparently I am that mom teenagers whisper about.
The remainder of the swim meet, he put forth a slightly greater effort in the rest of his events, but nevertheless, I was pretty mad at his performance. It was no where near his best. And after years of watching him swim, I know what his full effort looks like in the water. This wasn't it. This was half effort, and the fact that he still won beating out many other kids who were trying their hardest, speaks to his natural talent. My true anger laid in the fact that he flippantly half-tries, without really caring at all.
We've had many, many conversations about his lack of caring that he has a natural, God-given talent in swimming. You could go far, we say. You could really go far. But time after time, he just shrugs and says I know and continues not caring. It's beyond frustrating for a parent to see a kid's true talent and have that kid not care---to not see the value in it or themselves. It truly makes me want to bang my head against a hard surface.
This isn't about winning a swim meet.
This is about acknowledging that we waste the gifts God gave us because we 1. just don't care or 2. are too afraid to use them.
This is about DECIDING to be your best and TRY your hardest in everything you do. Why? Because ultimately God asks us to try our very best and walking in obedience to Him is what we are ultimately trying to teach him.
Later on we did find out he won all 5 events that he competed in that day and and again we told him swimming isn't about winning. Because this ISN'T about winning, this is about shaping his character. This is about getting him to realize the WHY behind swimming and ultimately LIFE. My husband is so much better at explaining the heart of why we get angry when he doesn't try his hardest, I, on the other hand, say it too matter of fact (hence my reaction at the swim meet.) By the end of our conversation, he seemed to understand better and promised to try HIS hardest in the future.
And it's funny, God uses all things to get our attention-- because as we explained for the umpteenth time the WHY to our son, I myself, felt convicted of my own (lack of) efforts in areas of my life that I feel God gifted me in. Am I doing what I'm preaching? Ummm no, not really. So often I let fear hold me back from trying my absolute hardest. So often I talk myself out of doing things for the fear of what other's might say. Too many times to count, I shut the computer and put down the pen because I believe I have nothing to say or offer anyone in the form of writing. I too, have not really cared to use the gift's given to me.
Time after time, I shrug my own shoulder's at things that I am naturally good at and down play the importance of my effort or lack of. I wonder if God wants to bang his head against a hard surface because of my own attitude or lack of effort.
And it makes me wonder, what if we all actually tried, and I mean PUT FORTH 100% effort in the natural gifts God has given each one of us? What kind of blessings would we receive and also give to others? What kind of world would we all live in? I bet, it would be a better one. Dwell on that thought. And that's my realization...that this world needs our effort. This world needs all of us living out the gifts given to us so we can then give to others. When we are living to the best of our ability, the whole world seems better because it is better.
XO
Carla
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