She told me her daughter had a food addiction. The sweet 4 year old watches the kitchen like a baby hawk stalking it's prey. She told me that she doesn't get it or know how to help her daughter.
Oh no she doesn't understand at all. And as much as she wants to, I'm not sure she ever will.
Because when food OWNS you, it OWNS you. And it's very black and white who is OWNED by food. And those who aren't don't really get it, they are so lucky they don't get it because it is pure hell to be a TORTURED by food. Eating disorders are more than just over eating, they are the foundation of all self hate rolled up into a daily occurrence.
My food addiction started at 8 years old after a sudden abuse that robbed me of every ounce of innocence and left me with a 1000 pound bag of shame and condemnation. I carried that load well into my adult life, and it caused me to not only binge eat, but eat every time I felt an uncomfortable emotion or out of control. That load made me an angry kid, and an even angrier teenager and young adult. Rage simmered beneath my skin. My shame swallowed me whole and I could feel it filling up my soul with every sweet bite I put into my mouth. My heart slowly but surely realized that food could fill more than just my tummy...it could fill my heart temporarily.
I've tried to describe it to others who don't have the heart attachment to food by sharing how anxious and stressed I used to feel anytime food was around me. Which duh, news flash is every single day. Every bit of happiness relied solely on me feeding that itch to satisfy my wounded, broken heart. I couldn't voice the inner turmoil as a kid, and to be honest it took many years of looking at that pain, rolling it around in my mind before I could voice it as an adult. It was just too difficult.
Most naturally thin people don't understand the shear agony of having food own you. Of planning out in your mind when you can sneak a bite or even an extra meal without someone noticing. The torment of desiring, and I mean DEEP DOWN DESIRING WITH EVERY OUNCE IN YOU, to have change, but to no avail. It's this crazy viscous cycle of stuffing yourself so full that you end up sick, then followed by an intense amount of SELF HATE. To be overweight and feel physically ill due to your own choices is nothing short of volunteered torture.
I had one man early on in my 20's say to me "why don't you just eat less?" He was genuinely offering advice with no ill intent. But again, a person who has not used food to try to cope with deep rooted pain will NEVER understand why someone just can't eat less.
This mom looked at me and asked how she could help her daughter.
She needs a heart change. You have to get to the ROOT of WHY she is using food to satisfy her emotionally.
It's not always abuse. Mine was, and I think VERY OFTEN some sort of childhood abuse is the root cause, but it isn't always the case. But you know what is ALWAYS the case when someone has a HEART ATTACHMENT to food? Shame
Shame of who you are, down to the deepest crevice in your soul.
Shame of what you look like, and how everyone around you is disappointed in you for being overweight.
Shame in the second after a binge eating, purging or emotional eating session is finished. OH THE PURE HELL OF THAT FEELING.
Shame of not measuring up.
Shame of being the only one (so it seems) that has an UNCONTROLLABLE urge to over eat.
Shame at not being able to BEAT THE DANG CYCLE. Time and time again. Over and Over again. For the 1000th+ time.
And maybe the most difficult reason Shame Rears it's ugly head....You just have NO IDEA how to fix it. The hopelessness sinks in and takes over and you're tired of fighting.
So dear friends, to anyone reading this who battles with being OWNED by food. You have to dig out the pain. You HAVE TO. You have to give voice to it, acknowledge it. Understand that you have the right to feel it, and Let it go. Make peace with yourself and the emotions that lay dormant. My journey started and still to this day ends with journaling my thoughts, heart and feelings. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have to. Daily I have to go there, dig deep and really listen to my heart. It is the only way to OWN food, instead of it owning you.
All those struggles, fears, and shameful thoughts? They need somewhere to go... Out of you
XO
Carla
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