I did it again. I said something innocently and yet it offended someone. The disdain was made apparent immediately and I thought "I just can't seem to win." Thoughts of self hate tormented my mind, as they always do when I think someone doesn't like me.
I sat there and stewed on it for a minute, tears began to fill my eyes. Seconds before they threatened to fall I sniffed them back and whispered a prayer under my breath.
Why can't I just not offend people? Why can't I be that ooey-gooey personality that people like? I just want to be liked God. Accepted. I just want to be that listening ear to others without offering a solution.
It's not often that I go down the rabbit hole of self pity, but in this minute the overwhelming feelings of shame and regret took over. I just couldn't seem to shake them. They held on to me like a baby to her pacifier, as my thoughts created inner turmoil. For once in my life, I just want someone to see past my hard, crisp, direct exterior and see my heart. One that bleeds for others. One that DESIRES other's to be their best, along with myself. My Let's All Be the BEST Version of Ourselves doesn't always go over well. People often think I'm criticizing in the most unloving manner when at the core of me, I just want to help.
A friend that I've known for most of my life recently came back into my circle. She desperately wants her life to look different, and I very pointedly told her "I am not the friend who will lend a sympathetic ear. I am that friend who will help you find a solution. Who will kick your butt when you need it kicking. Who will lift you up to find yourself. Know what you are getting with me. I love through helping to INSPIRE ACTION."
I think that's where I could be better, and do better. Realizing that NOT everyone will understand me or my heart. Not everyone is WANTING to have an action plan or a kick in the pants motivational speech. Some people just want to wallow in their life and have someone sympathize. I'm just not that person. I'm a 3% of a specific personality type, which means that not many people will understand what drives me. I am a minority personality type in the way I was created. God doesn't make mistakes. He uses all things for HIS good.
And that's what I heard back from God. Not in an audible voice, but in an inner peace that seems to come out of nowhere.
You, Carla were created for a purpose. Just as those ooey-gooey individuals were created for a purpose. Not wrong, not one better than the other, just different. Learn to hear my voice on offering advice to those who you are full heartedly open to it and would appreciate it. Recognize who is ready to hear the solution over someone who isn't. Continue to work on your own empathy towards others. And most importantly UNDERSTAND that I am the ONLY ONE you EVER need to please.
I am not for everyone. You are not for everyone. I have spent the MAJORITY of my life trying to please others and hating myself. I just can't operate anymore like that. The more I understand that I might not be the right person for this season of their life, the better off I am. God sees our hearts. He sees our imperfections. He accepts without conditions and always encourages us to be better versions of ourselves. But most importantly He is the God who listens without judgement or criticism and accepts us just as we are. I still have a lot of learning to do but I'm learning pretty quickly to reject the rejection and move on with love and grace for my own imperfections and to try to see other's how God sees them.
Always a work in progress,
Carla
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